Dear JH,   I knew I should have spoken about this a long time ago. But I will do it now.  All along I have been trying to hi...

An open letter to my ex-boyfriend.

1:43 AM Cassandra Tan 24 Comments


Dear JH,  

I knew I should have spoken about this a long time ago.

But I will do it now. 

All along I have been trying to hide the facts because it wouldn't be nice if people started finding out about it, and I didn't want to tarnish your reputation after all that we have shared. But this time, I will speak the truth. And only the truth. I'll let others judge.

I have my flaws. I get insecure at times, and I don't get along very well with everyone. Esp people who have hurt me before. But for love, I tried. I started blending in with everyone. You said that you liked it when everyone around you came together even though you didn't like some of the girls because you found them shallow. We agreed that it would be good for our relationship that we started meeting one another's friends. Things started going well, and we were happy (Or at least I thought). You were the sweetest. I knew that there were times you didn't try as hard as before, but I knew it. This was love. It was right this time.

Until the day you told me that you didn't want me to meet your friends anymore. When I asked you why, you said you felt suffocated and you didn't like the idea of it. You said that I wasn't trying hard enough. I thought things were going well, on both sides. You were the one who told me to blend in with your friends, then you changed your mind. All the times you said you would change, you changed your mind. All the times you told me you would not hurl hurtful words at me when you were mad, you changed your mind. When you said that you would fight for our relationship, you changed your mind.

You never kept to your word.
Not even the time you said we would meet for dinner after my work and after your lessons. 

That was the time we quarreled but all you did was run. We were supposed to meet for dinner on that day but I did not hear anything from you. You made me rush to and fro to look for you. I was so worried that something might have happened to you because you turned off your phone and did not contact me. I was so scared that you might have met with something. I panicked. I ran to your sch, ran up and down. I was crying because I was so afraid. But all these only to get a "Oh... I just didn't feel like talking to anyone." reply when you finally decided to turn on your phone again. And at that time, you were almost home. You didn't care. You knew what my weaknesses were and you played with it. 

Whenever things got difficult for us, you shunned. You would want to take a break. You would want to hide. I tried my best to hold things together but deep down, I knew. I knew that it would happen sooner or later. But I tried. I fought so hard. This was the first time I ever tried so hard for someone. But in the end, you started accusing me of things that I did not do, and ignored the things that I did. Till this day, these words are still ringing in my ear


"I have never felt more unhappy ever since I got back together with you."

" I have never been happy with you."

You deleted all of our photos from your Facebook. You told me that you didn't want to be seen as attached. That you weren't proud to be attached and wanted to be single.

Things led on and I realized I could not take it anymore. You were never there for me. Not even when I was stressed up and I told you about it. Because all you would say was
"I don't know what to do anymore. You are making me stressed up as well. Why not we just take a break?"

ALL THE TIME.

None of my friends were approving of us the second time we got back together. They kept telling me that I could do better, but I kept ignoring their advice. Even when I decided to leave, you didn't fight for me. Until days later when you told me that you still loved me and wanted us to take this time to change for the better. That we should change for the both of us. You wanted me to wait for you.

We decided to continue the conversation after both of our examinations. In the meantime, we would still keep in contact so that we would not be out of one another's lives.

But slowly. 
You started distancing yourself.

You stopped caring, stopped fighting. When I asked you, you finally came out with an answer saying that 
"I went for a run just now and I have never felt more like myself during the run. I feel that I don't want to lose this feeling soon. That I want to continue finding myself and stay single first."
After a fucking run.

And then I knew I have had enough of this bullshit. 
2 days later, you added a new girl on Facebook. One who had no relation to you. I knew that history had repeated itself again. You could not stand being alone so you decided to find another replacement. Again. 

3 weeks later, I saw you at the train station holding another girl's hand. 
You looked at me and you smiled.

I'm sorry what? You needed to find yourself in another girl? 
What happened to the "I want to spend some time alone and I want things to stay that way."

I went up to confront you. She was taken aback, and so were you. You kept trying to shut me up so that she wouldn't hear any of this. The looked on your face showed it all. You kept saying "Let's talk about this another time when you're calmer." 

I was pretty darn calm all right. Haven't felt much calmer in my entire life.
And then I gave you a slap. One slap. For all the lies you have told me ever since we got together 2 years ago.

Your new gf did not know anything. She did not know that you had a track record of finding someone new immediately after breaking up with me. Which was what you did the previous time. The first time we broke up, you managed to find someone new in less than a week. After which, you regretted and decided to fight for me. History was repeating itself and now, you are also lying to her. How can any relationship that's based on lies ever last? Even if she believed every word you said, it pretty much also sums up the kind of person she is, right?

You did it again but this time, I caught you in the act. You were bringing her home. 

You continued shunning and trying to push me away. You wanted to run away from this. You wanted to leave.  You wanted to take her away. You didn't want her to hear of any of this.

I knew this wasn't going anywhere, and in the end, I said
"I don't need anymore explanations from you. I don't want to hear anything from you anymore. I have had enough of this nonsense."

You replied,"Ok."

And then I gave you another slap. The second slap. For all the times you told me you loved me and that you would not hurt me anymore. That there was a "forever and always." For all the times you told me to forget whatever hurtful words you've said. That you would change, To become a better person, to be more sensitive of the things you say. That you could get any girl you want, just that you didn't want to anymore because you had me.

Yeah. To get any girl you wanted. I guess you managed to do that again.
Where did you meet her this time? On the train? At work? Along the streets? Did you go up to her and get her number because well.... YOLO? 

I've always hid the truth from everyone because I didn't want it to tarnish your name. 
This time, I am going to let it all out.

I pity your new girlfriend. She has the right to know about all of this. To save herself from all the hurt you're going to cause her. From all the lies you're about to or have already fed her.

This time, I am standing up for myself. 
I'm not regretting this. Because life is too short to leave any words unsaid.

From, me.

And with this, this chapter of my life is officially closed.

Oh and before I forget,
fuck you. 

24 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:32 AM

    I'm real proud of you babe. You finally said it all out.

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    Replies
    1. Hi! Thank you, whoever you are :)

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  2. Anonymous2:33 AM

    Hopefully this would knock some sense into his new girlfriend

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    1. I just wanted to tell the truth so as to prevent any other heartbreaks he might cause. But yup, hopefully she sees this and understand what happened!

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  3. WELL SAID!!! <3 LOVE YOU BBG.

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    1. Thank you dear girl, for always being here for me :)

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  4. Anonymous6:57 PM

    i think slapping him is not enough he deserved to be poured by hot soup on his face

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    1. I finally know who you are! Haha. But I mean, I decided to let this go after publishing this post so I can't be bothered with him anymore. But thank you for feeling for me :)

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  5. Anonymous7:42 PM

    proud that you've become so brave!!!!

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  6. dont pour soup spoon soup please. pour those $3 wanton free soup

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    1. Thanks for everything Shuang. You da best :-*

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  7. good for you girl! You are really brave :)

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  8. Anonymous3:05 AM

    jerk ass. stay strong girl!

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    1. Thank you, whoever you are. I will!

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  9. Very well written & really proud that you really stood up for yourself! Not just 1 slap but 2? Wow! I never did have the courage to do that to my ex (& i still regret it now). Really despise guys who think that they can get whatever girls they want and treat girls like their companion whereas the girls really give them their all. Pui! You deserve much better girl :)

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    1. Hey Jasmine! Yeah, I knew I had to do it for myself, no matter how others will feel about it or react towards it. I don't regret any of my actions till now becos I knew that I would regret if I didn't do what I did. It's not fair to other girls too, because they'll always be hurt by guys like that. But I'm glad that everything's good for you now and that you're happy! Thanks for this again, really appreciate it :')

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  10. Stay strong Cassandra! I admire your bravery and really, clearly he is not worth your time, love and tears! You deserve better! :)

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    1. Hey Quanmei! Yup, I promised myself that this would be the end, and I've let everything go ever since I wrote this post. Thank you for this :')

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  11. Anonymous10:05 PM

    Too many scums around. Stay brave, and stay smart.

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    1. Thank you, whoever you are. I will :)

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  12. Anonymous9:57 PM

    You go girl! Really wish I could give you a hug, but here's a virtual hug to you! And two high-fives to you for the two slaps you gave!!

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    1. *Hugs* Thank you, whoever you are! :) Haha I would high 5 you back if I knew!

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